With this in mind, I have issued the below Q&A to answer all your Swine Flu queries. Please don't hesitate to contact me with further thoughts, concerns, or home remedies.
Q: What is Swine Flu?
A: Swine Flu is an airborne super-pathogen, similar molecularly to feline paralysis, torrets, and postnatal depression. Presently, scientists have been unable to pin-point the virus's origin, but studies indicate a connection between Mexico, agricultural livestock, and the year 1976.
Q: What are the symptoms and what is the worst case scenario should I contract Swine Flu?
A: The most common symptom of Swine Flu is death, the onset of which is typically lightening-fast and very painful. Shortly before death, the afflicted are often beset by one or several of the following symptoms: dizziness, mild headaches, shortness of breath, coughing, and light chills. These symptoms are usually followed by simultaneous intestinal herniation, cardiac arrest, stroke, and ultimately death.
Q: If I suspect I may have contracted SwiFlu what should I do?
A: If you truly care for your family, friends, and co-workers the answer to this question is a simple one: commit suicide immediately. Though this seems like a temporary (while drastic) solution to the problem of Swine Flu, it is the only solution scientifically proven to be 95.6% effective in irradicating the virus. There are a handful of organizations dedicated to helping citizens effectively end their lives, the most prominent of which is the Church of Euthanasia.
Other treatments deemed only marginally successful in killing the virus are physician-assisted suicide, bulimia, and fire cupping (although these treatments averaged only 91% success records).
Q: How can I protect myself so I don't contract Swine Flu?
A: Since SwiFlu is believed to have originated in Mexico with spanish speaking people, the easist way to protect yourself against contraction of the disease is to avoid all environments where spanish is spoken as the primary, secondary, or tertiary language. Postpone your trip to Cancun, choose Fat Burger over Baja Fresh, and play hookie from your high school spanish class. Undoubtedly these are hard decisions, but your loved ones will thank you in the long-term for your selfless sacrifice.
Additionally, make sure to apply a cold compress of equal parts of the following ingredients twice daily directly to the scalp and forearms: baking soda, kerosene, pear juice, cayene pepper, toothpaste, and aloe vera.
Q: Can I get Swine Flu from eating pork or other swine-based meat products?
A: By and large the answer to this question is "no," although bacon and (strangely) turkey bacon have been documented carriers of the SwiFlu virus in Canada and Portugal.
Q: Is the media blowing this Swine Flu scare out of proportion?
A: Absolutely not. If anything the media has been very successful in down-playing this virus's potential to devastate all of mankind. God-forbid SwiFlu should meld genetically with SARS or SIDS, the resulting hyper-super virus would be so catastrophic it would desecrate 99.9% of the human race.
Q: Where can I direct additional questions about Swine Flu not covered in this Q&A?
A: Please direct additional questions to murphlives@gmail.com
*Please note that the author Josh Murphy graduated from the University of Arizona in 2008 with a degree in Media Arts with an emphasis in Producing. He is NOT a licensed medical practicioner and takes the entirity of his medical knowledge from seasons 1-3 of "Grey's Anatomy."
